- My Mood Today: happy, tired, and sleepy
- Date: 4-9-05
- A Quote For You: "One Day You'll Look Back And Everything You Thought Was So Terrible Will Make You Laugh"
Last Friday (4/2), my brother went for a walk around town. But when He came home he was acting really weird Like he had been slipt something or that maybe he took something himself. So we took him to the hospital and they couldn't find anything. They just said he was faking and to send him to a Phychiatrist. But when we got home he was still acting like that. So we took him across town to another hospital were they tested his blood. Turns out he was slipt Oxycotton.
Man today has been really messed up. Last night on my way to bed my sister left a bunch of shit out in the middle of the floor and all the lights were out so I tripped and hit my head on this T.V. stand in my room and It knocked me out cold for 10 minutes.
This morning my dad and his best friend Jimmy went to Jimmy's brother's wedding. Then, latter we went to Wal-mart. I also didn't go to work today cuz my head was killig me from last night when I hit It. BUT...... Later on tonight, My dad and Jimmy were coming back from Jimmy's friend's house and this car pulled out In front of them and our tire blew when they swerved to miss It. The car didn't even stop either they hit them and then ran. But, the cops were never called. I am so glad they are okay. Later, we fount out that Jimmy's Brother (the one who got married today) got hit head-on on there way to there honeymoon, just outside the church parking lot. Turns out they were fine thank God and returned on their way. But that's about all today. Tomorrow we're grilling out after church. I'm not going to school Monday cuz I gotta see the Doctor. YUCK!! Below Is those emails I promised you exactly word for word. Sorry this entry Is so long.
BlackAngel
The Emails
Eien Writes
Deceber13, 2004)
I didnt do anything I swear, and this Is hard for me but we are breakin up cause too much crap Is gettin started...I hope ur fucture relationships are better, and remember always suicide Is not the answer..and looking for love Is a neverending quest...bye, eien
My Reply December 16, 2004)
I don't think you wanted me to write back. But I have to so my mind can let you go cuz In my heart I want be able ( trust me I know me more than you). This email is not meant to make you feel sorry for me so don't. Weather or not you read this doesn't matter just as long as I know I sent It.
So I'm guessing whatever you heard you believed but, I don't blame you. Suprisingly your the first I don't hate. Maybe because I got hurt real bad In the end and still am but you taught me alot I never would have learnt so thanks. My parents still don't know and I wanna keep It that way cuz they respect you to much. However, I'm still dealing with the rest of my familys anger from before,. But then again I always will But that's okay I can handle It alone. That's how I have most of my life. By the way Eve didn't tell me Kody did. He thinks I'm fine and I'm keeping It that way Cuz I'm not his friend anymore. So, I want him to continue to think that. He's not the only one I dropped alot of my friends cuz I want to handle It by myself not with their help. I guess I'm handeling okay sort of But I think my Sis, Friends, and Teachers are about sick of me. But, they've helped alot. Even Beth imagine that!! Yeah, I also discovered that sucide Is not the answer cuz It want change anything now. If you recall I didn't wanna go out with you cuz I didn't wanna end up here and lose you as a friend In the end I was right. I lost both. But not because I called It quits. I guess In my heart I still knew that eventually everything comes to an end. I was just hoping we wouldn't. I think you'll be the first not to give up on love cuz thats you but not me. you'll find someone first so good luck. I already made a promise to myself along time ago. So I already gave up In someways. It has nothing to do with you. Thanks for saying you are sorry but again that doesn't change anything. But It counts cuz unlike the others you did. I once heard "If You Love Someone Let Them Fly Free" so bye.
Your friend Always,
Carol
*~*Notes*~*
( This are some notes I am adding to help you better undertand my reply)
First of all, I had suspected that he didn't want me to write back. But, I had to tell him what was on my mind and how much It hurt. So that In other words I could move on. I'm telling him that what he heard he most have believed because that was what split us up In the end (Him not believing me). I don't hate him, or at least not at the time the email was sent. I still never told my parents how he hurt me (emotionally) In the end. Mainly because they were starting to except him again. I also did not want to screw things up If we decided to be friends again. Beause If I would have told my parents then, they would have never Let me do that. If It came down to It, They would have hated him for the rest of their lifes. At the time I was also hurting really bad. So, I refused help from any of my friends or family by pushing them away. Thats just how I was, My way of excepting things. At the time, I was not handling well I just wanted people to think so, exspecially him. Because I knew or thought that If he knew the truth he would be worried about me and I didn't want that. I wanted him to go on with his life In hopes that I could with mine. I was hoping that If he was out of my life It would make It easier to handle. By the way Eve was my best friend whom was suppose to tell me that we were breaking up. But, Yet she never did Kody did ( my friend once - like a brother to me, Yet Heath's best friend . Thou, the the day before we broke up Eve told me he was cheating on me which turned out to be a lie. Later on in the letter, I am recalling to when he first asked me out. I told him know because I had previously dated his Friend Steven ( whom had hurt me really bad emotionally. Thou, In the end never as much as Heath. Because I never loved Steven that much. So I did wanna go out with him because we were friends. So If we dated and then broke up, I would lose his friendship. He eventually promised we wouldn't. But that If we did we'd always stay friend. I was stupid enough to belive It. In the end, I was right he did exactly what I feared he would. Thou, It resulted from the lies He heard from classmates at school and Eve. I am also giving him my blessing to move on because I would rather see his happiness than my own. I also knew that he would eventually get a new girlfriend because he hates being alone. Just like me, thou I still haven't dated anyone since. I haven't felt like setting myself back up to get hurt again. Pluz, guys are just a bunch of time heartache and pain waiting to happen. I felt better off single. Thou now I'm not so sure, I hate It. Maybe one day I will who knows. The promise I am talking about is not dating because of that fear. I know It might sound childish but oh wel.. DEAL WITH IT!!
I am also telling him thanks for the email meaning that he was sorry because none of my ex's ever bothered to say sorry. The quote I recite Is exactly how I felt and still do. I believe he was meant to pass thru my life for a short time but, for a reason. Thou, I haven't figured It out yet. But I believe in fate and Destiny. We weren't meant to be together (destiny) So, there for Fate played a major role in our relationship. Thou, I loved him and still do I chose to set him free to live his life no matter how much It hurt me In the end he could be happy. Also, the thing about sucide goes like this when we first meant and became friends. I had plans to kill myself. I was a very sucidal person (and still am but am taking treatmeant now But, It didn't help after the breakup because I didn't have It then). So he was telling me that he wasn't worth killing myself over. Thou, at the time I felt he was wrong.
After we broke up, I think It was the hardest time to ever have to experience regardless of who you are. I became very depressed and began to push anyone or anything that cared about me away. I felt like It wasn't their problem therfore, I refused their help. Eventually I began not to talk at all. I didn't say a word to anyone at school, including teachers. When I came home, I shut myself up In my room, In the pitch blackn a corner. I focused much of my energy Into my school work. Because I felt It was my ticket away from here, away from Heath. I managed to keep straight "A's" this whole time too. Eventually my emotions got the better of me so I could no longer deal with It. I began to cut myself Because It took the pain away. I couldn't feel any pain from the blade. It got to where It was so bad that I wanted more scares than I already had. Please don't think I'm crazy or was cuz I'm not. When, I finally stopped my entire body (head to toes) was covered In scares, dried blood, and healed wounds. Those will be there for the rest of my life as a reminder for how stupid I was. I also, did not eat or sleep. Which latter resulted in Anorexia, Bulimia, and an extremly bad case of Insomnia (which never went away now I can never go to sleep again without taking perscribed medication to knock me out). I later tried to kill myself, thou I told him I wouldn't. I was just tired of hurting and wanted to end It. I felt he wouldn't care anyway and It would make eveyone's life better including his. I ended up In the hospital nine times, 1 for pnemunia, 1 for Anorexia, 1 for Bulmia, and the rest for sucide attempts ( 3 slits of the wrists attempts, 2 drug overdose attempts, and one were I tried to hang myself.
I eventually recieved counseling and am since doing great. I feel horrible for my past and now know It was wrong. I tell my story now to stop others from doing the same. Take It from someone who knows, It's not a great life to lead and can result In bad consequences. I recently just fount out I was a diabetic (low from lack of food from the Anorexia and Bulmia). See the results are not good at all.
*If my story helped you or you know someone who should read It then let them. Also, tell me your response.
I'm starting to get really drowsey now so goodbye.
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